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Humor:Resumes that need work
Résumé Bloopers

The following résumé blunders and typos are real errors made by real-life applicants. Now these people really need some help ...

Accomplishments and Achievements
  • "Graduated in the top 70 percent of my class." 
  • "Raised over $6,000 for an organization by sitting on a commode." 
  • "The Marines is and probably will be the biggest accomplishment I've ever had, even though I wasn't able to join."
  • "National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes."

Cover Letters
  • "Dear Sir/Modem." 
  • "I am extremely detailoriented."
  • "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company." 
  • "I'm looking for a challenging, fun, fulfilling job and a paycheck. (If the pay is good, I'll get the fun and fulfillment outside of work.)" 
  • "I'm submitting the attached copy of my resume for your consumption." 
  • "My qulifications include close attention to detail." 
  • "My top motivator is MONEY. If asked to choose between a professional desk job and one sanitizing a barnhouse that pays more, I'm headed for the farm." 
  • "Please disregard the attached resume - it is terribly out of date." 
  • "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable." 
  • "To Home-Ever it concerns." 
  • "Very experienced with out-house computers." 

  • "1994 - Moron University." 
  • "Bachelor of engineering. Passed out in top 2 percent." 
  • "College, September 1880 - June 1984." 
  • "I have a bachelorette degree in computers." 
  • "My GPA at night is 3.0." 

  • "Worked in a consulting office where I carried out my own accountant." 
  • "Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed." 
  • "I have lurned Word Perfect 6.0, computor and accounting progroms." 
  • "I was involved in every aspect of the business, including office administration, customer service and cadaver preparation." 
  • "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."
  • "Twin brother has accounting degree."
  • "Worked successfully on a team of one." 

  • "Obtain a position which allows me to make use of my commuter skills." 
  • "I am looking for a stationery position." 
  • "My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can't do that, I'll settle on being an accountant."
  • "To broaden my computer skills and decrease my use of antacids." 
  • Position desired: "Profreader." 

  • "I can describe myself in three words: committed, hard working, and very strategic thinking." 
  • "Rabid sports fan." 
  • "Weight: 165 lbs. Plus heavy accounting skills." 

  • "Grate communication skills."
  • "Written communication = 3 years; verbal communication = 5 years." 
  • "I am very used to working with thigh schedules." 
  • "I am meticulate about derails." 

  • Current "$36,000. Salary desired: $250,000." 
  • Reason for leaving last job: "Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state." 
  • Reason for leaving: "Maturity leave." 
  • Job duties: "Made coffee (early Java experience)." 
  • References: "I have over 30,000 national references available upon request." 

Steve Piazzale, Ph.D.